The Statement Watch

My mailbox this evening contained "The Culture Issue" of Departures, a magazine to which I'm not entirely sure why I am subscribed. But, I am subscribed nonetheless and, always trying to climb a rung up society's ladder, I thumbed through it.

The editor of the magazine, Richard David, has a column entitled "Living the Right Life" in which he writes about staying four nights at the Mandarin Hotel in Marrakech, Morocco, despite the safety concerns of his "well-read and well-informed" brother in Oklahoma. Yuck.

The "Blackbook" section, on page seventy-two, has an article "All Dogs on Deck" where author Jane Stern tells the story of her dog, Ivy, and their cross-Atlantic voyage together on the Queen Mary 2, a "luxe, canine-friendly cruise." An iceberg reference is made concerning an averted "social disaster" on board. 

There is a piece in the "Style Etc." section on "The Statement Watch," which did catch my interest. "Women's evening timepieces are replacing the cocktail ring," the subhead reads. "Here, five diamond-faced conversation starters." It lists five luxurious watches, but it is silent on the details of the conversation they would start. I’ve taken it upon myself to assume that based on their description of each timepiece.

1. Piaget The double-sided Limelight Twice is set with 332 brilliant-cut diamonds for a total of 5.5 carats, $75,500.

Whether you are at a cocktail party or sitting courtside at the Miami Heat playoff game, this watch begs the question sure to start any conversation, "Where is God when it hurts?"

2. Cartier The Hypnose is crown-free to preserve the aesthetics of the case, which is set with 112 brilliant-cut diamonds. The dial is set with another 252 brilliant-cut diamonds, for a total of 153 carats, $47,900.

You forgot to wear all-white to the arena for tonight's Miami Heat playoff game, but that is okay. With this on your wrist, you can rest easy knowing the person next to you is just begging to ask, "Can you really experience anything objectively?"

3. Vacheron Constantin The Malte Mechanical is set with 260 diamond baguettes, 11 carats in total, that graduate in size within the dial, $375,000.

Your assistant messed up, again, and you are in the third row for tonight's Miami Heat playoff game, behind that bitch wearing the Piaget. No matter, your watch has diamonds—lots of them—that resemble loaves of French bread and people will be lining up to ask you, "Does God exist?"

4. Harry Winston The Premier Hypnotic Star is both channel and invisibly set with 277 diamonds, 15.37 carats total, and 108 black-spinel baguettes, approximately 1.11 carats, price upon request.

Again with the baguettes, huh? Well, never mind that, Pitbull is in your suite at the Miami Heat playoff game and after one look at your watch he wants to have a moment to ask, "When does consciousness begin?"

5. Richard Mille The RM51-02 Tourbillon Diamond Twister, with 7.55 carats of diamonds emanating from the tourbillon, has an onyx baseplate, sapphire case black, and white-gold case, $860,000.

The game is tied early in the fourth quarter in Game Seven of the Miami Heat playoff game. On your way towards the exit, one glance at this watch and passersby will ask, "Why is there something rather than nothing?"